Small Shoots

Cam turned 16 a couple of weeks ago and it has given me pause -- mostly due to the fact that my body, like most others, comes to a screeching halt when deprived of oxygen. I have learned to take a moment before darkness overtakes my vision, and kick-start my brain into remembering to take a breath -- Big Gasp and Exhale -- that's better.....

Most 16 year old kids are moving rapidly toward independence by driving away and hanging out with friends in places a mother is not meant to know about. Cam is obsessed with vehicles and talks a lot about driving, but when I gave him a driving lesson recently, he really just wanted to sit in the driver's seat with his arm out the window, the keys in the ignition, cool shades on his face, and fiddle around with the radio and turn signal.

In spite of all the great things he has learned over the last decade, the reality is that Cam, for the most part, requires the same amount of supervision now as he did when he arrived at age 4. This is not to say that he doesn't have a sack full of skills and talents, but independence just isn't one of them. The infamous 'They' say that he may yet achieve a much higher level of maturity, but 'They' don't live here and are not responsible for sending him out into the world to live in his own space and take care of his own needs.

So, while other mothers are renting tuxedos and buying corsages and threatening to cut the shaggy locks that hide teenage secrets barely disguised in their child's eyes while he sleeps, I am taking one step closer to the phone book in order to find an attorney who will help me through the process of becoming my son's legal guardian the minute he turns 18. Intellectually,I get it. He is who he is, where he is, and he is a great human being - filled to the brim with way more humanity than most. I adore him and, if he were to never leave home, I couldn't ask for better company. He's quiet, funny, sweet, helpful, and notices things worth noticing. His needs are simple in life: Matchbox cars, a few bicycles, miscellaneous yard equipment, and plenty of PB&J with bananas. He doesn't ask for much.

But emotionally, I am just as hard-wired like the rest of those Other Mamas who are sending their sons out into the world. As much as Cam has learned, I feel like I should have succeeded in teaching him more by this point. As relieved as I am that he is that he is content to pretend to drive, I wish for him to be able to do the real thing. As passive and undemanding as he is, I wish he would have a tantrum and yell and scream at me and tell me what he wants. As content as his is with his life, I would give my right arm for him to aspire to something ---- anything. And, yes, ...... sigh...... as undemanding as his is, and as much as I enjoy his company, I must confess that I really do want my house, brain, and body back to myself at some point. I have been stepping on and tripping over the same matchbox cars for the last 12 years and my feet really hurt.

So, like a good gardener, I survey my freshly planted field every day - anxiously anticipating the first signs of germination evidenced by small green shoots emerging from the soil. This morning, as he was beginning his commute to the end of the driveway for the bus, lunch bag and Matchboxes in hand, he snarled and grumbled "I'm going to find one of those (free) Real Estate books for France. I'm going to grow up and get on my motorcycle and drive all the way to Paris and live there by myself so I can do whatever I want without anybody supervising me at all!" I replied that that sounded like a good plan, but that he might run into a snag when he eventually hit the Atlantic Ocean. Sighing and turning to me just a bit in his fit of pique, he said "Duh, Mom, I'll just catch the next ferry" and stomped out the door.

As the echo of the slamming door faded, I continued to lay on the couch and chuckled to myself - enjoying the moment. Hey, my teenager thinks his mom is an idiot! My little green shoot for the day -- who knows what it will grow into?